Full Time and Contract Copywriter Available

I will manifest your words for you. I will don a tattered company-issued warlock robe and stir a black cauldron from which words will rise. Catching vowels and consonants afloat in the steamy air, I'll lock each syllable in corked mason jars and line your magic cabinets and shelves. 

I will murder your words for you. I will suit up in a black tactical outfit, perch atop an adjacent building, wearing company-brand latex gloves carrying a silenced, company-coloured, company-logo'd AR-15 Assault Rifle, steady my point of view, and shoot all your words dead.

I will make love to all the words in your office no matter their size, weight, or style. I will subtly seduce them in the masculine or feminine, in passing, by giving them a whiff of my cologne, "X", spritzed from its signature, French-designed bottle: a smokey scent, bottled in my mind with hints of rosewood, lychee and juniper blossom. Propping words atop a photocopier, I'll make them say "O" again and again. Our satisfaction will be written on our typefaces.

I will serve your words. In my finest Your-Brand-Here tuxedo, I will approach each word with perfect poise and posture before polishing their spoonerisms. In Before The Rain script, I will serve only the finest adjectives, nouns, pronouns, and adverbs. May I recommend the caesura salad?

Finally, I will worship your words. In the Church of The Lower Case 't', I will be a a martyr for every noun on Earth.